Willpower

"Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air ..but only for one second without hope." 
--Harold Lee "Hal" Lindsey 

Depression is the feeling of complete emptiness; it drains your energy like a black hole. That is what I felt early this morning, the feeling of being empty and alone. I don’t know what is going on really, but I have a feeling that this is rooted to feelings of sadness that are being repressed.

Since I was young, I’m not really the type who shares problems. Usually I endure it until it’s gone. That is why maybe; right now… it is slowly going up to the surface of my consciousness and hunting me down like a ghost from the past that seeks justice.

I’m totally aware that these feelings will rise up sooner or later. But I just can’t believe that it’s happening right now. Maybe there is an event in my life at the present that triggered these repressed emotions. And I have a pretty good idea what triggered it. I know it’s not really a big deal for others but for some, it is already very critical and can destroy their borderline between reality and fantasy.

It’s really hard to endure repressed emotions, especially when you are suffering at the present. Though you may not feel the emptiness every minute but once you are alone, it comes back. It is slowly killing you as a person, the happiness and joy that you feel is slowly taken away by the sadness that enters your consciousness.

But we always have a choice. It’s up to us if we remain in the darkness or fight in order to see the light.  I choose to fight! I want to see the light again. I’m totally aware that it will take time, since I am still in the process of healing but I know someday, I will rise again. From the ashes, I will rise like a phoenix and I will grow stronger.

The feeling of emptiness makes you feel very weak and lonely. It weakens not just your heart but also your taste of life.

But being weak is not really that bad because I think sometimes you have to allow yourself to be weak in order for you to grow stronger. 

To be and to last.. and Rise like a Phoenix!

Know Thyself

“He who controls others may be powerful,   but he who has mastered himself is mightier still”

 - Lao Tzu

Awhile ago, I had a test on patience and will power. I had to control my emotion; it was like a huge wave trying to overcome my awareness. It was very hard at first because I cannot help my self but react. But I patiently waited until eventually it went away.

 Honestly it was really hard to control my emotion, especially when you experience a difficult situation early in the morning that you have to force your self to get up from bed. It’s like there is a huge force in your chest waiting to explode and waiting to devour every inch of your soul.

But I said to my self, I cannot let this control my consciousness and shroud my judgment because I might regret it later. So, I stayed calm, slowly feeling every air that I obtained and as I exhaled slowly, I felt the air coming out from my mouth and eventually it calmed my system and made me whole again.

Looking back at what happen, it made me think about the struggle on how I fought with myself and came to a conclusion that the only one close to beating me is me, and even he doesn't stand chance.

To be and to last.

Final View

"We're holding on to the pain because it's all we have left. But we don't have to, we have a choice." 

  -Chuck Bass

After almost two months, a guy was hesitant to see his ex-girlfriend because he was afraid that his feelings for the girl will return.  But he has no choice but to see her, because the girl’s mom asked a favor that he needs to go to their place. The guy has no choice because before the break up, he promised the girl and her mom that whenever they need him, his just a txt away.

After moments of contemplating whether he’s going to push through with it, he said to himself that “the time has come for me to face the truth”. He knows very well that he will feel the pain again and he is afraid because there is chance that when he see's the girl, the feeling of longing will return.

But the guy said to himself that he needs to be strong. Though he knows the possibilities but still, he needs to do it.

So the time came, both of them was a bet cold with each other. It’s like there is a huge invincible wall between them.  But they have no choice but to greet and talk to one another.

                           

As the time goes by, both of them felt the tension...

The guy really wants to hug the girl because he misses her. But there is something holding him back, and maybe that’s what we call pride. The guy kept on smiling as he talks but deep inside he is still hurting.

After the guys job, he gazed into the girl and shook her head then said farewell and take care, then immediately left.

As the guy was walking on his way home, he realized that it is really over for the both of them. He does not feel the same way anymore towards the girl but still, he is still hurting.  But the good thing here is that, he was able to prove to himself that he is much stronger than before. That even though he is hurting, he was able to manage and control his emotions, particularly the part where he wanted to hug the girl because he misses her. Then finally realized that he is making progress, and now he is on the path of moving on.

And at last, he was able to say that the fighting is over, and this will be a start of another chapter of his life…

Part of the List

"It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." –Rose kennedy

Today, I will write the saddest lines…

I’m totally aware that someday, she’s going to find someone. That someday, she will be happier in the arms of another guy. But I just can’t believe that it’s too soon. What? It hasn’t been 2 months and yet she’s been eyeing on someone already? I just can’t believe it though. We’ve been together for four years and it’s that easy for her to find another? She had no idea how deeply those words wounded me. They were like nails being driven into my flesh.

Well, there is nothing I can do about it. But there are some doubts on my mind that maybe the reason why she broke up with me is not mainly because, she doesn’t feel the spark anymore but I think it’s because of another guy.

Maybe, she has reasons for doing it. Probably, she just wants to save her reputation or maybe she doesn’t want to hurt me that much.

But no matter what the reason, I wished that she was just honest enough of telling me the truth.

The real reason will hurt me but the lying and concealing will hurt me the most.

Online Gaming

                       “Always remember, your focus determines your reality.” 

                            - Qui-Gon to Anakin, Star Wars Episode I

I lost my focus on writing because I played an online game called “Ragnarok”. I was gone astray for a while because of the pleasure that I acquired while playing the game. When you are in the game, time fly’s so fast and because of this, you tend to forget the things that you need to do (unintentionally or intentionally).

Now, I came to a conclusion that before you play an online game, you must be sure first that you have a strong self- control and knows what your priorities are.  And I recommend not playing the game when you have personal problems, because an online game can be an excellent escape goat.

So now that I have regained my focus back, I will set my priorities and start writing again. But playing the online game was not a complete waste of time because through it, I was able to established new connections and strengthened my bond between my old time pals. I had fun too while playing the game and it provided me with joy and laughter.
  

Though I might say that playing an online game is not that productive but I think the joy and friendship that one acquires while playing, is a good reason already to stick around on it a little while.

I think playing online games is really not that bad like what others say.  You just need to control and limit the playing, so that it will not take a tool out of you.

Setting priorities and discipline is the key.

Live Life!

“Those who have never been wounded in love will never be able to say: “I have lived”. Because they haven’t.” -[Paulo Coelho]

A friend of mine was madly in love with his ex-girlfriend. The brake up made him do things that you could never imagine. It’s sad to hear because nowadays, you can hear break up stories almost everywhere.  To tell you honestly, this is not the first break up that I encountered, and it seems that this event is rampant this year.

Relationships do end, and nothing is really permanent in this world. So it is really better to live in the moment and enjoy everything while you can. Because we don’t know, maybe tomorrow or the next day, the end will come.

When the time comes that things will end, all you need to do is to be tough and tell yourself that, though it hurts to see the end but still I must live and life must go on.

Life is really a mystery; you cannot really predict what is going to happen next, that is why it is better to live in the moment. So, by putting this kind of mindset it will make us enjoy the present and appreciate the beauty of life.

So no matter what kind of end your experiencing right now, whether it’s a break up, loss of someone you love or any kind of end that is happening to you at the present. Just remember that you must live! And never give up! Because all of this, is a part of the beauty of life.

For us who have experienced and endured the sadness of the "end", let us all say…

I have lived!